he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
