um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
