Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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