Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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