Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
