i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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They have a pepper shaker for pot.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
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How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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