Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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