I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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