you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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