Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
