I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
