when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
