Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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