I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
