If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
