His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
