i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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