don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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