hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
