Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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