Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
