The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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