also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
