made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
