Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
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please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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