Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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