I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
It's never too late to be topless.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
