Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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