Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I deserve this hangover.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
