I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
