I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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