she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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