I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
