why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
