I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
