I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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