i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
