Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
3 2 1 whiskey
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
