We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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