I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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