Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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