Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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