o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i dont even know how to be here
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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