after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
