You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
