God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
