I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
