It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
