I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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