my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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