dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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