Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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