On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
