if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
even my farts smell like vagina
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
