it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
