That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
