i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
