my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
