I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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