My sheets look like a crime scene.
My balls are so social today.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
