dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
