This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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