I wish I could punch you in the face.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
